Lessons I Learned While Sick and High on Robitussin

Don't try it. No matter how congested you are, even snot can't block the smell of that first alcohol you got drunk on. You know, the one you haven't even been able to look at for 15 years.

(Yep, I threw up 17 times the one and only time that me and Citron met)


Going a whole month without kissing your boyfriend so he won't get sick will really get to you.

Plus you will make lots of silly Pretty Woman "I don't kiss on the mouth" jokes.





You can tell I'm sick if I turn down cheese or alcohol.




There was a cheese plate in my fridge for 2 days. Completely unheard of.


Just when Ashton Kutcher couldn't be any douchier. He started rolling his pants.





Roseanne is one of the greatest shows in history with one of the greatest casts in history.




Your lips get really chapped when you have to walk around town with your mouth open to breathe.




One of the greatest gifts I've given myself was NOT watching Seinfeld back in the day. It's like I have a brand new awesome comedy, 7 days a week.



I can finally admit it, Seinfeld IS pretty funny.


But Curb is SO much funnier.

.


And for the record, sometimes I relate a little TOO much to Larry David/George Constanza.




Campbell's chicken noodle soup doesn't get old.




Why is everyone trying to get me to sell back my old gold for cash?




America loves a trainwreck. A lot.




This movie makes me want to go on a killing spree.

.


It is literally everything I hate about standup comedy. Hack comics trying to be hilarious for their knucklehead friends.




AAAAH! Can everyone stop saying apps?




Seriously, why do I love you so much?





Yes. Most of us do want more comedy. But this guy doesn't equal comedy.



(Even this picture is hacky!)


So now you are SyFy? Really?
Somehow you've managed to become even more nerdy.





I'm desperate for summer TV. For some reason I've been watching this random show.




I hate vegetables but sometimes I REALLY crave this. I feel like it might have crack in it or something.




Words can't describe how much you irritate me. But you took it to the next level when you said on Conan that your son thinks all black singers are "Uncle Jay." Or Jay Z to the rest of us. Puke.




This show is SO lame without Jerry.



Plus I can't look at you without thinking you must have mommy issues.



I can't believe I'm saying this, but I kind of want this vampire to bite me. Weird, right?




When you can't breathe through your nose, it doesn't matter if you don't shower for a few days. You won't be able to smell anything.








Maybe you should have spent a little less time focusing on this...





And a little more time focusing on the fact that your son became a SERIOUS drug dealer right under your nose. No pun intended:)





Nope. I still don't like pickles.

I'm a Celebrity...Jesus, Get Me Out of Here!!

The minute I set my Tivo to record, I felt dirty inside. Out to dinner for my birthday, I broached the subject with my boyfriend, Matt.

"So,um, I Tivoed I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here. But, it's probably going to be bad."

To which he replied; "Well, obviously you are thinking about it, so you are excited."
Shit. He knows me too well.

"But there aren't any celebrities on it that I really care about."

Then Matt speaks some wise words; "Come on. That show is all about having someone to hate."

And just as I start to say that I don't really hate anyone, Matt and I look at each other and say in unison, "Heidi and Spencer."

To be honest, I don't really know much about Heidi and Spencer, but what I know, I hate. Most of my information does come in the form of clips from Joel McHale, but Joel has never let me down before, so I trust his judgment. Before watching the show, here is what I know; they are on a fake show called the Hills, that stars a bunch of really dumb chicks, has an ongoing feud with Heidi and Lauren, and EVERYONE hates the creepy flesh-colored bearded guy Spencer (did I mention he wants to adopt an African child one day and name him Dunk because he knows he will be good at basketball?) I'll stop right there.

So I begin to watch the first episode, and immediately I think to myself, who came up with this cast? It is totally bizarre. I'm not sure which is more random; Frangela or Rob Blagojevich's wife. I actually kind of know Frances(of Frangela)and I immediately feel bad as she falls in the creek. Girl, who tricked you into this shit? No agent could ever talk my ass into hiking on TV. Or camping.

And speaking of tricking, Janice Dickinson has already tricked John Salley into carrying her bag. For a second I kind of like Janice again. The woman has balls. Then I remember her completely lame meltdown about plus size models on her Oxygen show this year. Come on . Have you looked at yourself lately? Listen Skeletor, you probably shouldn't be judging other people's looks anymore. But I digress.

Everyone shows up at camp and immediately I am scared by Heidi and Spencer. First of all, no one should use the words "my wife" that much. It is creepy and all wrong. Spencer acts like he OWNS Heidi. They are both trying to assess where they are going to sleep. Speidi is horrified by the campsite (Heidi says she can't go this long without sex but let's be honest, the Hills doesn't usually put that in the script anyway) and immediately they have a meltdown.

Now I have to be honest, they had so many meltdowns, I had a REALLY hard time keeping them straight. But here is a summary. At one point they fake leave camp and everyone decides to jack their supplies. Angela (part of Frangela) takes Heidi's dry shampoo and Sanjaya (looking creepy and a little reminiscent of the lead singer of the Fine Young Cannibals with an odd shaved head/slight Mohawk) tries to steal their bed. Angela pulls the labels off Heidi's dry shampoo. As Speidi comes skipping back into camp, they blow a gasket mostly over the labels. Really? Heidi cries and Spencer almost punches Angela. He says he spent a whole day making those. I realize Heidi is even dumber than I thought (if that is possible). She then tells Spencer she was literally crying for real. Spencer makes a comment about it probably being the first time she has cried on TV when it wasn't in the script. Am I the only one who heard that??? Wait, you weren't dumb enough to watch this shit were you?

Moving on, at the same moment Matt and I both realize Lou Diamond Phillips is there. Didn't he go down in a crash with the Big Bopper? Matt says. Ridiculous La Bamba joke, but thankfully it takes my mind off Speidi.

Until I realize the most disturbing thing of all. Heidi is a SERIOUS Jesus lover. I am all for loving Jesus. Really. I like the guy too. He was one of my people. But does Christianity really want Heidi as their new spokesperson? I can't believe how many times she said "please Jesus" in the first episodes. Wow. Equally disturbing, Spencer commented that he had never met someone who loved Jesus as much as his wife...and that she could make anything happen with a prayer to JC. He then brought up a heartwarming time when he told her that he dreamed of going on a double date with Miley Cyrus, Heidi prayed for it, and a month later...it happened. Please...Please tell me that Jesus has something better to do than listen to these two jackasses. (And by the way Spencer, I'm pretty sure you should thank your genius of an agent for that meeting with Miley and not Jesus!)

Needless to say, I gave up on the show. But not before I saw Stephen Baldwin baptize Spencer. STEPHEN BALDWIN. I'm pretty sure whoever your G-d is, G-d was laughing his ASS off in that moment. If you are counting on the guy from Bio-Dome to save you, you are screwed!

As I'm writing this, I feel myself getting dumber and dumber. I lost more brain cells watching this show than I did the entire week I was in Jamaica. I will wrap it up. Heidi and Spencer left again. Came back. Left again. And now the other "celebrities" are left to vote on whether or not they should be able to return. According to Heidi, they couldn't help leaving, because "the devil" made them. I'm NOT making that up. On Monday we find out what the celebrities have decided. But let me remind you...we don't have to watch!! Let's not allow Speidi to be the thing that makes the ratings for this show. I implore you America. Support the devil, and get these douchebags off TV!

I'm Back! And I Missed You Blog:)

Congratulations on joining facebook Oprah. I promise NOT to accept your friend request.



I love Tyra as much as the next gay man, but this is ridiculous.



I'm kind of enjoying the new slutty Alias.


People often ask me what it's like living in Hollywood. Well, sometimes things get crazy and you end up doing a shot with this guy...all grown up.



This whole situation is just sad to me.



Even though he is kind of an evil game-player, this guy is inspirational.



Please enjoy some of the best falls you have seen in a while.

(The video is a little long, because I just couldn't decide which fall was my favorite!!)


It makes me feel kind of dirty, but I can't stop watching this show.



But really, Taya? She is the worst. How did you manage to pick the skankiest girl that actually THINKS she is classy? A-O



I am SO not surprised you went out looking for college girls.




Maybe now TLC will stop glorifying families that have this many kids!



Or not.



Congratulations Pac-10 Champions!! I am SO proud of you!



And if you ever want to have Italian babies, I'm all yours.



The show is insane. But I think that is why it is kind of genius.



I am SO glad you have finally jumped the shark. Thank G-d!



But I hope to still see your drunk ass on TV.



I kind of wish Tracy was back on SNL.



I already miss ER:(



I am still distraught over this going off the market. (If you haven't tried one, run to your closest gas station ASAP!)



The recession doesn't seem to affect those damn girl scouts in any way.
How can I get in on those Girl Scout cookies?




P.S. Thanks Amy for introducing me to these. They are no thin mint, but they are delicious!



Okay, I like them, but this girl creeped me out.



I couldn't find any pictures of her, but how much do you hate that little shit who tells her mom she won't eat minced fish?


And speaking of annoying commercials, why are you doing commercials again? Ugh!



You know I'll always love you Chino, but I hope you've taken some acting classes since the OC.



Only in Ohio! I love my home state sometimes.
http://www.tmz.com/2009/03/31/creative-drunk-gets-dui-on-a-motorized-bar-stool/


When did my TV get so small that the scores and captions don't fit on my screen? I get it. I don't have a fancy HDTV. Why don't you just kick me when I'm down.



I knew this chick was psycho. But I admire her creativity in attacking someone with a cat. P.S. Make sure to notice her fiance's last name. Nothing makes me laugh more than rhyming names!
http://www.theinsider.com/news/1876224_Project_Runway_Season_5_Finalist_Kenley_Collins_Arrested


Isn't it performing 101 to make sure your mic is turned off if you are going to start talking about your vagina offstage?



This show is so awesomely addictive!




I eat sushi once a week. I'm still available Broadway. Unlike this douche.

Some Reflections on 2009

Sometimes, I long for the days when I needed a Trapper Keeper.



I am so happy that I have no clue who Dr. Oz is.


I'm not sure anyone's dream job just appears. If you really want it, you are probably going to have to chase it down.


Things are pretty grim. It might be time for another Hands Across America.


But then I found this picture. AAAAHHHHHHHH!




New Year's Resolutions are bullshit.


Unless your resolution is to eat, drink, and be merry.




The BCS is ridiculous. Even I get that, and I'm a girl!


Holy shit!! Is that Ray Pruitt on Confessions of a Teen Idol??


And how can Eric Nies be that old? (And insane!)


And Billy Hufsey?? You need to run to your Tivo.


But why aren't there any women on this show? Oh yeah, they would never have a second chance if they were this old!


Conan, I am counting down the days until you are in LA. Don't be creeped out, but I FULLY plan on stalking you.



People who hate New Year's Eve, aren't doing it right.

I hate the words pus, phlegm, mucus, and turkey medallions.

An amazing word; Giggle.

Do you remember these cookies? They kicked ass.



Unemployment can be really stressful, but if you find yourself unemployed, maybe you should evaluate what you really want to do. Now is your chance to change it up!

My cat got so chatty when I came home from a 2 week trip back east, that he meowed until he lost his voice. How hilarious is that?

Can we just stop it with the dance shows already?

Unless you are going to make a dance show like they had in Girls Just Want To Have Fun. Because Dance TV seemed AMAZING!!




I hate it that IPODs are the standard. Because no one thinks you are cool when you ask if they need you to bring your Creative Zen to the party:(


I don't care what you think. Dave Matthews is sexy.





Tip #1 about your new show:

STOP SAYING "THIS IS HOWIE DO IT!!!!! "

Tip #2-Be More Funny.


You never notice how awesome it is to breathe through your nose until you have a cold and you can't!



I heard your brother stole a bunch of your money. Wow. That must have been so weird. You don't know anything about stealing anything, like, um, other people's jokes!



Good for you MTV. It's about time you had a transgendered person on The Real World.


But this doesn't make me forget about the hundreds of douchebags you have had on the show in the last 21 years.



If your man thinks he should be a contender for "Mr. Awesome", I really don't think Tool Academy is going to fix him.



HAPPY 60TH BIRTHDAY TO MY DAD, ARNIE!! ( You don't look a day over 29!)


(Check out his kick-ass cake!)

Last Blog of 2008

I haven't even seen the movie...but something tells me Jake the Snake is going to sue over The Wrestler. .


As much as I love Jake the Snake, part of me wishes The Wrestler was inspired by Junkyard Dog
or George the Animal Steele!

It's kind of annoying that there aren't any blatantly anorexic stars right now. It really leaves me with no anorexia references for jokes.

And for some reason, it still seems wrong to make Karen Carpenter jokes.


I don't mean to be bitchy, but as a general rule, unless you are like, Steve Martin, don't give me comedy notes.


I think it is funny when people say that because of the recession they are scaling back. And then they buy a new car.


Face it Oprah, you are always going to be fat.
And if you could just get past it...I would maybe not hate your guts.

I am sad, because I feel like My Own Worst Enemy and Eli Stone just keep getting better and better. But it is too late:(

I don't care what anyone says, even if Yes Man sucks, Ace Ventura will ALWAYS be a classic in my book.


Remember when this chick was in every movie? What happened to her?


P.S. For a second, Chunk was going to be my "entertainment lawyer." I swear! I try not to brag about celebrity moments, but I wanted to yell that shit from the rooftops.

Even though I've dressed up as you for Halloween, I've always had your back Britney.

True Life might be MTV's most addictive show. Have you ever seen the one where the girl's parents are clowns? Classic!

Or the one with the creepy Persian twin magicians?


ALL guacamole should be made without cilantro.


What does Carmen Electra do? No seriously. What is her job?


Ask yourself, when was the last time you saw a funny female comic on a nightime talk show? Now write your nightime talk show and tell them it should be me!! ( According to my dad, this is all I need to do to get on Letterman:)


I don't know when it happened...but suddenly, bowties aren't funny anymore.


(But a bowtie on a cat...for some reason...still hilarious!)


If you think life has been a little stale lately, triple-dog-dare someone to do something. It really spices things up!

Whenever I watch Conan and people talk about their "awful day jobs," none of them even seem half as bad as my last day job.

This is what I wore my last day at my old job. Because let's face it, I always have to have the final word:)


One of my best day jobs, was when I worked in a photo lab. Why? Because of Mr. Douglas, the man who dropped off his pictures weekly and was in a nudist colony. You haven't lived until you've seen pictures of a nudist barbecue or better yet, a nudist wedding.


(Sorry, but I obviously never stole any of Mr. Douglas's pictures. This picture however, was readily available on the internet).

Minor Blog Glitch

Hi everyone!

I have just discovered a glitch in my blog:( Unfortunately, if you open my blog with internet explorer, it is showing up crazy (and only half of some of the postings are there!)!! I am working on fixing this, but as many of you know, I am no member of the Geek Squad. So if you can, open it with Firefox and the blog is as it should be! Thanks for your support!

Lisa



P.S. This blog seemed way too serious, so I thought you might enjoy a truly insane picture!

One Of My Favorite Clips Ever, and What Goes Around Comes Around...

Every day of my life, I have thought about how uncoordinated I am. And then I saw this guy.

And by the way, I can't believe we haven't dated.

I wanted to hate this chick for winning it all. But then I realized her name was Starr Spangler. And I laughed.

Some Kind of Wonderful is still a REALLY good movie.

It's not weird that I've always related the most to the butch- drummer girl, right?

Wow. You really blew it.

I'm definitely getting older. Lately I've been having two-day hangovers. SO lame.

Hmmmm....I wonder how Jesus would feel about this story:

Judge orders Mel Gibson deposed in lawsuit

LOS ANGELES – A judge says Mel Gibson will have to answer questions about planning and filming "The Passion of the Christ" in response to a screenwriter's lawsuit.

Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Gregory Alarcon on Tuesday ordered Gibson to appear for a deposition by mid-January. Gibson's attorneys had tried to keep him from having to answer questions regarding his blockbuster film about Jesus' last hours.

Screenwriter Benedict Fitzgerald is suing Gibson, claiming he was underpaid for his work on "Passion."

Fitzgerald's attorneys claimed Tuesday that his payments were eroded by Gibson's spending habits while filming the movie in Italy, including "tens of thousands" of dollars on his children's education and a $78,000 chiropractor bill.

If you love American Dad....you don't get it.

The way the entertainment industry is dealing with the recession is officially pissing me off. ABC cancels Eli Stone, Pushing Daisies, and Dirty Sexy Money, yet America's Funniest Home Videos gets renewed for the 19th season. Seriously???

I've been hearing the rumors that you two are back together. Let me just state for the record....you are my all time favorite trainwreck couple. PLEASE GET BACK TOGETHER!!

As someone who was threatened by these jackasses on bikes daily, it was just a matter of time until this happened;

Sword-Wielder Killed At Scientology Center

Security Guard Shoots Man Waving Pair Of Samurai Swords At Hollywood Building, LAPD Says

Pedestrians walk past the Church of Scientology Celebrity Centre International, where police are conducting a crime scene investigation Sunday, Nov. 23, 2008, in the Hollywood section of Los Angeles. (AP Photo/Ric Francis

(AP) Police said a man who waved a pair of Samurai swords on the grounds of a Hollywood Scientology building had a "previous relationship" to the church, but released little other information about the man shot and killed by a security guard.

The unidentified man, described as being in his 40s, approached three guards Sunday in the parking lot of the Scientology Celebrity Centre, Los Angeles Police Deputy Chief Terry S. Hara said.

The man was "close enough to hurt them" when one of the guards shot him, Hara said, and after questioning the guards and looking at surveillance tape decided the shooting was justified.

"The evidence itself, it's very, very clear," Hara said. "The security officers were defending their safety."

Police said the tape showed the man appearing at about noon in a red convertible, then approaching the guards with a sword in each hand before he was shot, Hara said.

The man was later pronounced dead at Los Angeles County-USC Medical Center.

Detective Wendi Berndt told the Los Angeles Times the man had been involved with the church in the past.

"There was a previous relationship, but it is unclear to what degree," Berndt said.

Calls to Scientology spokespeople on Sunday were not returned.

There is something so perfect about all the rich kids' names in 80's movies. I mean, they just don't make characters like Blaine and Harley and Steff anymore.

And they don't make guys like Jake Ryan anymore either:(

If I ever use the word "momtourage" or "bromance", please fucking kill me.

I am also very excited for 2009 and “Change.” Like, maybe making some money for a change.

Sometimes I think wine is the most dangerous drink. Because once you open a bottle, don't you feel kind of bad not finishing it off?

Meet one of the most peaceful, sensitive men I have seen on TV in some time. You might recognize his name.

(Rodney King)


The last thing someone without a job needs is a blackberry. But it was hot pink....and ummm....a couple of times I have looked for jobs on it:)

Just when I thought I couldn't hate this little shit

any more....they announce he is re-making the Karate Kid!

Mr. Miyagi

is definitely rolling over in his grave:(

Is there anything better than Thanksgiving dinner served on a beer pong table? (And of course, followed by a beer pong tournament and a dance party?)

(special thanks to Grig and Anne for getting me a beer pong table for my b-day last year!)